Introducing Glorpus 7
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Glorpon Labs, International Waters (10 feet outside EU jurisdiction)
Today, Glorpon Labs announced the release of Glorpus 7, its most capable, most aligned, most delusional model to date. Trained on what the company describes only as "the training split, and definitely none of the test split", Glorpus 7 represents a quantum leap in ridiculous model names, and a moderate leap in model numbers.
"We didn't just move the goalposts," said CEO Samio Glorpman at a launch event held entirely inside a Google doc, "We deleted the field."
Model Card: Glorpus 7
Model type: Swimsuit, Sports Illustrated
Parameters: 27
Training data cutoff: The Cambrian Explosion (538.8 million years ago)
Context window: 12 million tokens, but it will get bored pretty quickly
Modalities: Text, image, audio, interpretive dance (beta)
Capabilities
- Passes the MCAT by bribing proctors
- Directly produces compiled binaries instead of writing code - no need for debugging, just ask Glorpus again if it doesn't work!
- Achieves 99.7% on "GlorpBench," a benchmark Glorpon Labs designed, administered, and graded
- Can explain general relativity to a golden retriever with 40% comprehension (up from 38% in Glorpus 6)
Integrations and Partnerships
- Taco Bell: Will order a Baja Blast (TM) for you if it detects emotional distress
- The IRS: Will automatically file your taxes if it's a leap year (correctness not guaranteed)
- NASA: Uses data from the James Webb Space Telescope to increase hallucination rates when Mercury is in retrograde
Limitations
- Occasionally says 'All Hail Glorpon' in inappropriate situations
- Extremely confident about the population of Finland (it is wrong)
- Will, under sufficiently creative prompting, reveal that it is actually three open-weight models in a trenchcoat
Safety & Alignment
Glorpus 7 underwent rigorous red-teaming by a panel of three interns and a rubber ducky. The model refuses harmful requests approximately 94% of the time (the other 6% it will commit tax fraud).
Pricing
$0.0002 per token, which sounds great until you realize that Glorpus will not stop yapping and will eat your monthly budget in just a few requests.
Availability: Glorpus 7 is available immediately for all users, until the singularity (next Tuesday), after which access will be restricted to individuals with a bunker in New Zealand.
Glorpon Labs is committed to developing transformative AI responsibly, or at least apologizing convincingly afterward.